Well right now I feel like I'm having a total eclipse of the heart. My heart is being eclipsed by a sense of anger which is slowly but surely covering the light and love that I have spent the last few years attempting to nurture and grow.
This week I have had two situations which have presented themselves and both of them are bringing up in my the rage I thought I had left behind me oh so long ago.
Keeping it real right now so here's what's happening:
First the person I'm "seeing" (no one's ever verbalized it but we live together and are intimately involved) and I had a huge fall out that led to a physical altercation. Yes you read it right....we put our hands on each other. Something I have not experienced for almost 20 years back when I was married and I would explode with anger and fight my husband.
Secondly my son's father just told me that my son cannot spend Christmas with him because his wife does not want my son to visit for the Holidays. Now mind you my son is 11 years old and one of the most loving souls you will meet on this earth. Also note that my son's father was unfaithful to me....let me repeat that in all capitals in case he ever comes across this blog....UNFAITHFUL...and left me to carry a baby and deliver it while he was romancing his girlfriend/fiance/wife.
Now here's where I'm feeling all turned around.....
Over the last 10 years I have consciously worked to reduce how explosive my temper is. I won't go into all the details of how I reacted when provoked but lets just say that like a bull I would see red and my only objective was to inflict serious bodily harm or death to the offending person.
See I grew up with lots of anger in me.....
- Anger because I felt my mother loved her mother more than she loved me.
- Anger because my mother would beat me and sometimes would do so leaving the physical marks on my light skinned body.
- Anger because my mother caused me to believe that if she did not have me she would be better off.
- Anger because my Godfather mistook me for a woman when I was around 10 and when my mother found out decided not to "cause any problems with the family" thereby not standing up for me.
- Anger because the only father I ever knew left us and when he married again his new wife convinced him not to spend time with me.
- Anger because I was the one in the family that got picked on for being different when I couldn't control how light I was or how "flat my butt was".
- Anger because every man I was involved with lied to me and left me for someone else.
By the time I joined the Marine Corps at 17 I was a human anger bomb waiting for any opportunity to transfer my anger by hurting someone.
But then I had a major event occur in my life. At age 28 I became a mother.
Shortly after having my son I went through a deep depression. I had "suffered" from depression before but this time it was different because I had an infant to care for on my own and I was adjusting to life outside the Corps after almost 12 years of service.
During this time I was experiencing this depressed emotion was one of the darkest times of my life. Everyday as I viewed my life and the world around me all I saw was me in a huge pit with darkness all around me and no conceivable way to escape.
I was able to overcome the depression when my doctor recommended I take "something" to help me think clearer. I agreed and I took an anti-depressant for approximately six months. While the medication helped me manage my life and find a way through this time I released the depressed emotion fully one day when a friend of mine took me to see Anne Graham-Lotz (Billy Graham's daughter). After the message I went for prayer in one of the rooms and as the person prayed for me the depressed emotion was released from my body and to this day I have not experienced depression.
So what does my depression have to do with my situation today? Not totally sure but I felt that I needed to tell that part of my story in case someone who is dealing with the depression comes across this. Know that there is hope and freedom from depression!!!
Back to my total eclipse of the heart.....
As a result of the emotional healing I experienced I came to know that God's love heals and restores and as I mentioned earlier I have spent much time discovering God and removing the anger that has ruled almost 1/2 of my life. I have learned to be more patient with other people and realize that each person's journey is their owns to do with as they see fit. I have learned to smile more and even be kind to people I don't know. I've learned that I can choose to forgive those who "spitefully misuse" me. I have learned that unconditional love is possible. I have learned so much about so much.
So why do I now find myself being faced with the desire to turn from the Light of God and return to the darkness of my anger?
This is what I will ask God and my spiritual guides for clarity on.
Right now I feel the anger again rising in my heart chakra and I want to turn away and hurt people as they hurt me.
But there is a voice that I hear...still and small...saying....you know that God's way is to act in Love towards all beings and that people can only hurt you if you give them the power to do so. You do not know what tomorrow holds so why do you think that you can "fix" these situations by acting out your hurt and anger in retaliation? This is small of you. You must rise above the pain you feel that causes you to want to "show people that your not the one for them to "fuck" with because you will "kill them".
It is time to "Do a New Thing".
And so this is my prayer to the One who keeps me and guides me:
Open my heart to a greater love for My Self so that I might walk in Peace knowing that my life and all that concerns it is created by me and my beliefs about what I experience.
Nothing can touch me unless I give it the power to do so.
If anyone else reads this and is a praying person.....please pray for me that I will continue to act in the Love and Peace of God.
And so its,